I’m crazy like this,” and then understood that the real work of love is not in the falling, but in what comes after? Alain de Botton: We must fiercely resist the idea that true love must mean conflict-free love, that the course of true love is smooth. The course of true love is rocky and bumpy at the best of times. And one of the things you point out about , one of the things that’s wrong with all of that is that they — a lot of these just take us up to the wedding. And what we call a love story is really just the beginning of a love story, but we leave that out. It was a wise Jewish mother who had said to them, “Men marry women with the intention that they — with the idea that they will the stay the same. He should just know.”  And you just — what I also know is that grasping this, what you’re talking about, is work. Probably they’re tired, they’re hungry, something’s gone wrong, their tooth hurts, something. So often we blame our lovers; we don’t blame our view of love. Tippett: This right person, this creature does not exist. de Botton: And is, in fact, the enemy of good enough relationships. ” “Well, I just want to have a good enough relationship.” People would go, “I’m sorry your life is so grim.” But you want to go, “No, that’s really good. But also, behind that is the — as you say, these are dark truths, but it’s also a relief, as truth always ultimately is, if we can hear it. I think one of the greatest sorrows we sometimes have in love is the feeling that our lover doesn’t understand parts of us. You may not want to be lonely with over 50 percent, but I think there’s certainly a sizable minority share of your life which you’re going to have to endure without echo from those you love. Tippett: You know, I debated over whether I would discuss this with you, but I think I will. We’re all the time, we are hardwired to seek connections with others. And in the end, what I say to her, did end up saying to her was, “In a way, I’m probably behaving exactly like your father, but just not the father that you saw when he was around you.” Ms. I’m thinking a lot right now these days about how and if we could apply the intelligence we actually have with the experience of love, not the ideal, but the experience of love in our lives, to how we can be as citizens moving forward. If we see charity being exercised, if we see good humor, if we see forgiveness on display, again, it will lend support to those sides of ourselves. And I think it’s also such an important thing to bear in mind that the import of our conduct, moment to moment, that that is having effects that we can’t see. These things are humiliating — little things can deeply wound and humiliate. I want to know — I don’t want to let you go before asking what you think about — what’s your view of online dating because this a new way that so many people, perhaps most people, moving forward are meeting, are engaging this romantic side of themselves. de Botton: At one level, online dating promises to open up something absolutely wonderful, which is a more logical way of getting together with someone.
They give them commandments and rituals, they deliver them sermons and ask them to rehearse lessons in prayers and in songs.Even for a life-long atheist, there is something interesting about these efforts. The standard answer is that we can’t, because religious morality comes from God, which by definition atheists have no time for.; born 20 December 1969) is a Swiss-born British author.It’s no fault of mine or no fault of yours; it’s to do with being human. Tippett: Alain de Botton is the founder and chairman of The School of Life, a gathering of courses, workshops, and talks on meaning and wisdom for modern lives, with branches around the world. And as I’ve prepared for this, I’ve realized that you’ve actually — I knew that you’d written the novel at the age of 23, which is so young. We’re not just interested in the moment that gets us into love; we’re interested in the survival of love over time. Tippett: A lot of what you are pointing at, the work of loving over a long span of time, is inner work, right? But I’m very intrigued by how you talk about the Ancient Greeks and their “pedagogical” view of love. de Botton: That’s fascinating, because one of the greatest insults that you can level at a lover in the modern world apparently is to say, “I want to change you.” The Ancient Greeks had a view of love which was essentially based around education, that what love means — love is a benevolent process whereby two people try to teach each other how to become the best versions of themselves. But gosh, it made a lot of sense to me, even in terms of my own life and in terms of what I see around me. And I think a useful exercise that sometimes psychologists level at feuding couples is they say things like, “If you could accept that your partner would never change, how would you feel about that? And we do this naturally with children, and yet we do it so seldom with adults. Love is doing that work to ask oneself, “Where’s this rather aggressive, pained, noncommunicative, unpleasant behavior come from? Not that I think I will be single forever or want to be single forever. And we can take pride in how flexible our minds ultimately are about where that connection is coming. “Marriage ends up as a hopeful, generous, infinitely kind gamble taken by two people who don’t know yet who they are or who the other might be, binding themselves to a future they cannot conceive of and have carefully avoided investigating.” Mr. But again, this kind of realism or acceptance of complexity, I think, is ultimately the friend of love. As you say, there’s a lot of life that is extremely mundane. We’re kind of acting out in public the way we act out at our worst in relationships. We don’t associate it with life in the republic, with civil society. We’re permanently — all sides are attempting to show how stupid every other side is. And most of us are just experts at being pretty strong. But we do know these things about people we love, and they’re also true of people we don’t know and don’t think we love. So there’s a lot of fear of — there’s a lot of fear of slippery slopes. The darker side of online dating is that it encourages the idea that a good relationship must mean a conflict-free relationship, and therefore, any relationship which has conflict in it, which has unhappiness and areas of tension in it, is wrong and can be terminated because we have this wonderful backup, which is alternatives. Silicon Valley has been incredibly interested in getting us to that first stage of meeting the person.Once we’re over about 12 years old, we’re seldom encouraged to be nice.